EXCITEMENT IS CONTAGIOUS

Wow it is almost 2010!!! Cant believe how time has flown.
Here I am back on Blogger after a long absence, Boys are 12 and 10 and what a handsome young man Anthony has become, Patrick still has that young cute look but Anthony is a HOTTIE he has had numerous girls chasing him and he has had numerous girlfriends.
I am nearing the end of college I will be graduating in Feb and be receiving my Associates degree in Business Administration/ Medical Coding& Billing.
Was dating MK until around April/May then boom he found out he was getting laid off and then his divorce became final and he just pulled away from me completely and I was patient for a long time but he just couldn't deal having a relationship with me. Him and I are friends just saw him yesterday for lunch with Tom.
I am Dating PC now and I have doubts , he is like the perfect man to fall into my lap he is available and he wants to spend every free moment he has with me!! He is only 6 months sober, he has issues ( dont we all?) but he is a little jealous and I feel smothered at times. He is getting back on his feet , he doesn't really pay child support and I feel that is why I have disrespect for him. He was telling me he loves me after a week, that rang warning bells in my head. I care for him very much but I am not in love with him and don't know that I ever will be, I know I am over analyzing again sometimes I just cant help myself. I am definitely in lust with him though.

I still have feelings for Mark and don't know what to do about that. I thought about it and I would go back to Mark in a heartbeat if he wanted. He is still battling with unemployment and depression. Don't really know what I am going to do about this situationIm utterly confused right now. I don't want PC to get hurt I am going to have to put this one in God's hands and hand it over to him to take care of. The answer will come to me eventually, I will just pray that I make the right decision for myself.

ST PATRICK'S DAY EVE 2009

Long time no hear on this site from me . Lots of big changes have gone on . I am going into my 4th year of sobriety . WOO HOO .
I am going into my third session of online college. I am pursuing an Associates Degree in Business Administration with a concentration in Medical Coding & Billing . I am scheduled to graduate next April. I despise my job soo much and I am tired of all the gossip and bullshit there . The manager is senile and losing his mind the owner backs the manager up ? My co-workers are all conniving and gossipers. Granted you will find gossip in most jobs but my industry is particularly bad . I am just so tired and becoming so burnt out . My lousy job ( that I am very grateful for) is driving me to do better in school. I am looking for a new job but definitely not in the same industry . I wont leave my job to go work the same job in a different place there will be the same bullshit there that is at my current place.
The boys are doing good so big now 9 and 11 and getting so tall . Going through a lot with them these days , they are constantly testing me and their limits and they both have smart mouths.

On the dating front I am dating MK now he is wonderful and our chemistry is unlike anything I have experienced in a very long time . Sparks fly when we are together. I think this is the most intense chemistry I have ever had with someone. He feels the same which is even better and that's all I'm gonna say .

WHERE I STOOD

MY LIFE IS WHAT IT IS I WISH I COULD GRAB CONTROL AND MAKE IT ALL PERFECT . I KNOW THAT'S UNREALISTIC BUT ONE CAN ONLY HOPE . I HAVE BEEN GETTING CAUGHT UP IN ONLINE DRAMA AND I AM JUST READY TO DELETE EVERYONE AND GET OFF THESE SITES .
I HAVE ALSO BECOME OVERLY ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET AND MYSPACE GAMES I CANT SEEM TO GET ENOUGH ! IT HAS TAKEN CON TROL .
I AM ALSO VERY MUCH IN LIKE WITH SOMEONE BUT WE DON'T GET TO SPEND ENOUGH TIME TOGETHER AND IT IS REALLY HARD , I AM CRAVING THAT CLOSENESS AND HUMAN CONTACT A LITTLE MORE OFTEN AND HE IS JUST TOO TIRED HE WORKS 2 JOBS AND HE LIVES A GOOD 45 MINUTES AWAY SOOO BETWEEN MY JOB AND THE KIDS IT'S ROUGH . I REALLY REALLY WANT TO HANG IN THERE AND STAY LOYAL AND NOT DATE OTHERS BUT I AM ALMOST AT THE POINT WHERE I AM READY TO JUMP BACK IN THE GAME AGAIN . MAYBE FIND SOMEONE A LITTLE CLOSER . I AM TRYING SO HARD NOT TO OVER ANALYZE EVERYTHING AND JUST PUT IT IN GOD'S HANDS BUT I HAVE BEEN DOING THAT FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS NOW AND I AM BECOMING A LITTLE FRUSTRATED.
MAYBE I NEED TO LOOK INSIDE MYSELF AND ADDRESS MY CURRENT NEEDINESS .

REVIEW

It has been a while , things are well here I am enrolled in Nassau community college I am taking remedial Algebra courses and I am taking a Sociology course which is interesting to say the least . I am struggling with the Algebra , math has never been my subject but I actually like playing with the numbers I am getting some of it but it's just soo many rules to remember . BLAHHH LOL . Regardless I am proud of myself for my accomplishments I am on the right path FINALLY .

Me and The guy are doing well we have begun to grow close I almost gave up on him a while back but I decided to stick it out because he is such a good person and now that I have gotten to know him better I am glad I did . We have an open honest relationship and it is so refreshing to be able to tell somneone what bothers me and to sit and talk about it . I have become very communicative I feel it is one of the most important parts of a relationship . I am able to take constructive criticism however hard it may be I bite my tongue and take it . I give it back as good as I get it and that is something new for me . It feels really good and I feel really good about myself .
I am far from perfect but I am honest and I am a good person . I don't always do the right thing but I sure try to everytime , sometimes I just don't know what the right thing is , life is a learning process. I am just glad that things seem to have fallen in place in my life I really am happy and all most of it is because of the changes I have made for myself . I am still amazed that I am able to do all I do . I work fulltime I go to school at night parttime , I am a single mom , I have to find time to study , do homework , deal with the kids and help with there homework, cook , clean , laundry, the kids sports , my meetings , friends , and I have a boyfriend with kids to boot LOL . Insane ! right ? LOL I wouldn't have it any other way .
I can't wait to drive again this is the year I can get my license back not till October but I am thrilled . It will make life easier and give me some badly needed extra time to do my juggling act .
I definitely have a different outlook on life these days . I say" Let go let god" alot . I am grateful for all I have I don't ever want to be ungrateful I have so much more than most .

LIFE ON LIFES TERMS

I kind of went off and vented in my last blog and I took some time to think about all I had written and all I had been feeling and I finally took care of it and spoke to the guy and resolved what had been going on . Yes we are a couple but we also have a deep friendship that is important to both of us we respect each other a great deal and we love and care for each other very much but we are not in love with each other which we are both okay with . Where we are at now is where we both need to be . We each have issues from past relationships that we are carrying so we perfectly understand and we are on the same page which is a great thing.
I am officially a student at Nassau Community College I registered last week and I went to Freshman Orientation today . Very very exciting had a great day all went well . Then I get home and got knocked off my ass something from the past came back and bit me in the ass big time and totally screwed me financially . I am in limbo with regards to many things right now and I am just trying to deal with life on lifes terms . I am eternally grateful to be sober because if I wasn't this would of DEFINITELY made me go out and drink . Sad but true , I am, extremely grateful to have AA in my life , without it I would be either in jail , institutionalized, or dead .
I am real down on myself because I just got on my feet and I was on a huge cloud 9 today and this thing happened and it really is my own fault because I should of taken care of it but I kept putting it off and now I am just devastated . I am just going to pray that it all works out and do whatever damage control I can do to make this right .

A NEW YEAR

Happy 2008 to all my fellow bloggers ! I stopped making New Year resolutions about two years ago , people have been asking me what was my resolution , whether I want to know or not they have been telling me their resolutions which I couldn't give two shits about . What is the big deal about a resolution most people try to do something positive and it usually lasts about a month or so and then right back to the same old shit .
I quit smoking 4 years ago on a New Years resolution and the actual date that I remember is Jan 7th of 2004 but I had a cigarette here and there until about I think March of 2004 .
I think it's a positive thing but it is only positive if you stick with it and most people don't human nature comes into play as does sheer will power . You either have it or don't .

I am in a cranky mood and have been thinking way too much about the guy , I am considering ending it because I am tired of being someones booty call and I am tired of being called his
" friend" WTF is that ? 4 months and that's what I am reduced to . I don't even rate a phone call or text message for New Years ! that has been bothering me a great deal I can't seem to get past it and my daughter tells me I have every right to be hurt and pissed off and at this point I should just walk away. Decisions , decisions ....
I have also been a generous person with people I care about , sometimes too generous and I need to curb that because it honestly gets me nowhere but getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I just don't matter .
Well enough self pity it isn't an attractive quality but I seriously needed to vent outside of the rooms and this was the place to do it .
I am beginning at Nassau community college in mid January and I am getting excited I am meeting with an advisor this Friday to go over my classes and get all the last minute details settled . That is the most positive thing I am looking forward to doing this year . It is going to be a huge undertaking but I am confident I can handle it .

THANKSGIVING

HERE IS ANOTHER YEAR THANKSGIVING IS HERE AND IT CAME FAST AND JUST IMAGINE CHRISTMAS IS 6 WEEKS AWAY.
I AM FEELING DOWN AND DEPRESSED TODAY , WHICH IS A DANGEROUS THING FOR AN ALCOHOLIC . I CANT HELP FEELING THIS WAY I HAD AN AWESOME NIGHT LAST NIGHT AND WHEN I GOT HOME TODAY I SLOWLY BEGAN TO FEEL ALONE AND EMPTY I KINDA KNOW WHY I HAVE SEVERAL THINGS BOTHERING ME AND WITH THE BOYS BEING GONE AND MY DAD AND AUNT NOT HERE YOU THROW ALL THAT INTO THE MIX AND YOU COME UP WITH SADNESS AND DEPRESSION . I AM A FIGHTER AND I AM FIGHTING IT WITH EVERYTHING IV'E GOT AND I KNOW WHEN I GO TO MY FAMILY'S LATER I WILL CHEER UP BUT UNTIL I CLEAR THE AIR THIS FEELING WILL NEVER LEAVE ME . I AM AN EXTREMELY AFFECTIONATE TOUCHY FEELY TYPE OF PERSON AND I AM ALSO VERY INTENSE IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS AND WHEN THAT IS NOT RECIPROCATED OR EVEN NOTICED IT LEAVES ME DOWN AND EMPTY , I ALWAYS SAID I WOULDN'T SETTLE AND I HAVEN'T YET ONLY TIME WILL TELL , IF I FEEL LIKE I AM THEN I WILL DO WHAT I GOTTA DO TO LIVE HEALTHILY FOR MY OWN SAKE . I HAVE MY OWN ISSUES AND ALOT OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH MY ISSUES AND THINGS I NEED TO WORK OUT IN MY OWN HEAD . HOPEFULLY I WILL FIGURE IT OUT SOON .
I NEED TO WRITE MY YEARLY THINGS I AM THANKFUL/GRATEFUL FOR LIST JUST TO KEEP IT REAL

1. MY SOBRIETY
2.MY CHILDREN & THEIR GOOD HEALTH
3. MY HEALTH
4. A ROOF OVER MY HEAD
5. JOB
6. FAMILY
7. FRIENDS
8. SPITRITUALITY
9. GOING BACK TO SCHOOL
10. RONNY

SO THERE GOES MY YEARLY LIST AND IT PRETTY MUCH REMAINS THE SAME EXCEPT FOR ONE OR TWO OF THEM .
I WISH EVERYONE A BLESSED THANKSGIVING .
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