SUCH IS LIFE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY ! I AM SURE HEAVEN IS TREATING YOU WELL ..
YES THIS IS LIFE I HAVE BEEN LOKING BACK ALOT TRYING TO FIGURE THINGS OUT ! WELL MAYBE NOT SO MUCH FIGURING OUT MORE LIKE REMEMBERING GOOD TIMES I HAVE BEEN LOOKING BACK AT MY POSITIVES , THE NEGATIVES TOO ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT DON'T HURT ANYMORE . NOW THOSE ARE PRICELESS BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED THE BIGGEST LESSONS FROM THE NEGATIVES . THE POSITIVES AREN'T WITHOUT THEIR OWN MERIT , THEY HAVE SHAPED ME INTO A HONEST , LOVING , AND CAPABLE WOMAN . I AM SELFISH , SELF CENTERED , I WOULD EVEN GO AS FAR TO SAY THAT AT TIMES I HAVE THE CHARACTERISTICS OF A NARCISSIST . BUT I DO FEEL EMOTIONS : PAIN , HAPPINESS , JOY , GRIEF , SADNESS, DEPRESSION , ANGER , AND THE MOST IMPORTANT LOVE .. YES I FEEL LOVE FOR THOSE AROUND ME . MY BEST FRIEND FROM CHILDHOOD HAS COME BACK INTO MY LIFE IN A BIG WAY ! I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT SHE IS A TREASURE AND SHE HAS FILLED AN EMPTINESS IN ME THAT HAS BEEN MISSING FOR SO LONG . sHE IS WISE BEYOND HER YEARS AND SHE IS SO DEEPLY IN TOUCH WITH HER EMOTIONAL SIDE SHE REMINDS ME ALOT OF THE EX CHRIS HER OUTLOOK ON LIFE IS EXTRODINARY SHE HAS A WAY WITH WORDS THAT JUST LIFT ME UP YET AT THE SAME TIME SHE IS A NO HOLDS BARRED TYPE OF GIRL SHE TELLS ME THE TRUTH AND SHE HOLDS NO PUNCHES . IT IS LIKE WE HAVE NEVER BEEN APART I HAD SO MANY FEARS THAT WE WOULD FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING AFTER ALL THE YEARS THAT HAVE PASSED US BY . WAS NOT THE CASE AT ALL IT'S ALMOST AS IF WE ARE BACK IN 1981 AGAIN AND WE HAVE RELIVED THOSE DAYS WITH MEMORIES THAT WE HAD BOTH FORGOTTEN . I CAN TELL HER ANYTHING AND TRUST HER WITH MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS . IT IS NICE TO HAVE THAT KIND OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN . IN GENERAL I DON'T TRUST WOMEN THEY ARE USUALLY A BUNCH OF GOSSIPING BACK STABBING BITCHES ! NOT MY CHICA . I AM SO OVERLY THRILLED TO HAVE HER BACK AND I LEAVE HER AN IM OR A MESSAGE ON HER MYSPACE EVERYDAY TELLING HER I LOVE HER .. WHAT'S NEW WITH ME ? BESIDES THE OBVIOUS NOT TOO MUCH I AM 3 WEEKS INTO SCHOOL AND IT IS GOING REALLY WELL I AM ENJOYING PUTTING MY SMARTS TO WORK AGAIN . WORK IS THE SAME STILL HAVING A BLAST WITH MY CO WORKERS , ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AT WORK IS MOVING TO FLORIDA NEXT MONTH AND I AM SOO SAD , I AM SAD BECAUSE HE IS ALSO MY NEIGHBOR AND I LOVE HIM TO PIECES AS DO MY KIDS , WE ARE GOING TO MISS HIM ! I AM ALSO ECSTATICALLY hAPPY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE IS MOVING TO A WARMER CLIMATE WHICH WILL BE BETTER FOR HIS ARTHRITIC BONES AND HE IS ABOUT TO START A WHOLE NEW EXCITING JOURNEY IN HIS LIFE . GOOD LUCK MY TONY
I AM INVOLVED IN STEP MEETINGS NOW AND IT IS GETTING HARD , I AM STARTING THE REAL MEAT AND POTATOES OF MY PROGRAM AND I AM BEGINNING TO FACE ALL MY SHORT COMINGS AND CHARACTER DEFECTS THEY ARE NOT PRETTY I WAS NOT A GOOD PERSON IN MY PAST , I WAS HORRIBLE TO SOME PEOPLE , I WAS VERY SPITEFUL WHEN PEOPLE HURT ME I HAD THAT WHOLE REVENGE MENTALITY THAT IS BEING DEALT WITH , I HAVE GOTTEN DOWN ON MY KNEES MANY NIGHTS AND PRAYED FOR GOD TO REMOVE THAT DEFECT OF CHARACTER . I NEVER SET OUT TO INTENTIONALLY HURT PEOPLE BUT I DID , EVEN AFTER I QUIT DRINKING MY BEHAVIOR HAS BEEN THAT OF A DRY DRUNK AND I HAVE QUESTIONED SOME OF MY ACTIONS BUT I SHALL FACE THEM ALL AND DEAL WITH THEM NO MATTER HOW HARD . HONESTY HAS BECOME SOOOOO VERY IMPORTANT TO ME , I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT IT IN MY LIFE . I AM STILL CARRYING ALOT OF ANGER TOWARDS MYSELF ,AND IN TURN TAKE IT OUT ON THOSE AROUND ME I AM DEFINITELY GETTING BETTER BUT ANGER IS ONE OF MY STRONGEST CHARACTER DEFECTS AND WILL BE THE HARDEST TO RID OF .
MY PERSONAL LIFE IS FILLED WITH CONTENTMENT I AM SINGLE AND TRULY LOVING IT I AM NO LONGER SEARCHING FOR THE MAN OF MY DREAMS , HE IS OUT THERE AND HE WILL EVENTUALLY FIND ME . THE OLDER MAN I WAS DATING IS BACK IN FLORIDA ( THAT IS WHERE HE LIVES ) HE WAS ALOT OF FUN TO BE AROUND AND I ENJOYED HIS COMPANY BUT HE WAS SO NOT FOR ME . HE WILL BE COMING BACK NEXT YEAR FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS BUT I WILL NOT BE WAITING FOR HIM ! LOL I AM ON MY OWN FOR A LONG TIME NOW , BY MY STANDARDS IT IS A LONG TIME AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS CONTENT IN MY LIFE , IT'S WONDERFUL TO HAVE THE FREEDOM TO LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT .I HAVE MY INDEPENDENCE AND I AM FINDING OUT NEW PARTS OF MY PERSONALITY ALL THE TIME . ENOUGH OF MY BLABBING I HAVE TO GET SOME SLEEP .

AND THY WILL BE DONE

What does that really mean ? I have been asking myself this question all day , I read this in my 24 hour day book this morning ( a daily ritual ) for alcoholics Anonymous and I went to a step meeting tonight step # 3 and "Thy will be done " was mentioned several times by two different people and I thought it was definitely not coincidental ! I am a bit confused right now and not sure about things I am at a cross roads , not sure what to do but I am putting my faith in my higher power for the very first time and I am just going to let the chips fall where they may I need to trust and believe in my god , I need to let go of having to be in control of every single thing in my life that's probably my biggest issue I have to take a big deep breath , blow it out and move forward . Easier said then done .. I was desperately in the mood to write tonight but now that I am here typing all thoughts are lost and I feel like there is just nothing further for me to say so I will get out of here now and come back when I am feeling just a bit more creative.